Luigi's Experiment
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: Melee. Redone in story format! Luigi creates a love potion. He uses it on Link. But Link's infatuation will shock us all...
1. Shocking Love

_The triumphant return…the triumphant revised return…woo-hoo!_

It was a fairly beautiful day in the Land of Smash. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was very tranquil. Except for that screaming rat flying through the sky. Ooh, it hit a tree...and it's on fire, too...

...Moving on!

Yes, Luigi became an inventor again! If he wasn't one before, he did have the potential. He blew up Pikachu by accident, making something in his secret laboratory. Wait. Mario, Peach, Ness, Link, Pichu, Yoshi, and DK are watching him. I guess it's not that secret...

"Well, I'd like to thank you all for coming to my secret lab," said Luigi.

"Stop calling it secret!" said Mario.

"I can't. It's a habit. Like cheese," Luigi brilliantly responded.

"...What?" Ness asked.

"Anyway, I brought you down here to show you something. It's a potion."

Everybody yawned.

"A love potion."

Everybody yawned again. Luigi sighed wearily.

"I'm using it on Link."

Everybody cheered.

"Wait! You can't make me go through with this!" said Link.

"I can't, but my little friend can."

Link turns around, then looks down to see a baby Chain Chomp, gnawing on his boots.

"This?"

"No, no. _That_ little friend."

Link began to get chased around by an adult Chain Chomp. It chased him into a closet, with the baby still attached to his foot. The group could hear faint screaming coming from inside, then from above. Link landed face-up on a wooden table. He was restrained by rope.

"How'd you do that?" asked Pichu.

"Teleporter."

The group could hear a faint barking coming from above. The baby Chain Chomp landed on Link's stomach, but continued gnawing on his boots.

The group said nothing.

"...Yeah. Anyway, these are the mixtures we need." Luigi held up 3 beakers of colored liquid. "Heh, the fumes put him to sleep."

Link was snoring.

"Awwww…" they all said.

"First up is 'The Horny Mixture'. This controls the part of his brain that controls his sexual desires." Luigi held up the green liquid.

"Aren't those hormones?" asked Pichu.

"...Hell, I don't know." He poured the green mixture into an empty beaker. "Next is 'The Blue Mixture'. Disables what normally attracts him: Peach."

Everybody nodded. "...Right...what?"

Luigi poured the blue mixture in with the green mixture. "Last is 'The I-Love-You-You-Love-Me Mixture'. He'll become all giddy, so watch out."

Luigi poured the red mixture in with the other two. All 3 mixtures became…pink.

"Ooh..." said Yoshi.

"Okay Linky, drinky!" Luigi chugged the potion down Link's throat.

"Will this really work?" asked DK.

"...Hell, I don't know."

Link started getting convulsions, and eventually broke free of the rope. The Smashers...and the Chain Chomps...moved back. Soon, Link was face-up on the floor, drooling and smiling. This scared and amused the group.

"He's still breathing," Luigi said, relieved. "Let's see if it worked…"

Link slowly opened his eyes. His left eye was fixated on the wooden table he fell off of. Holy crap.

"Such beauty...so slender...you're the one. MARRY ME, TABLE!" Link said in a creepily sweet tone.

Everyone stared. "Ooh…Zelda's gonna be pissed…"

Both Chain Chomps were shaking their heads.

_Retarded: Yes. Comedic: Up to you. Let me know. 5 or more reviews will lead to an update within a day…unless I get stuck._


	2. Zelda Finds Out

_Fast update, wasn't it? See? You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours. Even when you're not itching._

…_Just read, okay?_

When we left the Smashers…well, some of them, anyway, Link had become a guinea pig in Luigi's experiment. Link drank a love potion that caused him to fall in love with a wooden table. (stifled laughter) What will Zelda think of this? The dragon inside the princess is unleashed…later.

Now we join Link and his new lover!

"Hmm…this is bad…" said Luigi, stroking his moustache.

"You're damn right it's bad!" said Ness, right before he was smacked in the head by Peach's frying pan.

"Don't use that word!" she said.

Ness rubbed his head. "Isn't this child abuse?"

Peach was now holding a belt. "I can make it so…"

"THAT WAS A DAMN FRYING PAN!" Ness yelled.

"SHUT UP! I am not your mother. I'll beat your a-"

"How are we gonna tell Zelda?" asked DK.

"Stop asking me so many questions!" said Luigi, slightly panicked.

"It was only one question…" DK said.

"Okay…I need to think…"

Luigi observed Link, who was lying on top of the table and speaking in a soft and loving manner. This scared and amused everybody.

"Baby…I know we just met…but I wanna take this to the next level…"

"Ugh…" everyone else said.

"Can't you make an antidote or something?" asked Yoshi.

"That…is the saddest part. I can't…"

"WHAT?" the rest said.

"Well, I could try, but it would take time and a lot of hard work. And we don't have time…"

Peach sighed.

"Well…I guess we should tell her now and get it over with…"

Ness was hanging upside-down from a ceiling light, tied to it by the ankle with a belt.

"Finally…"

"Oh, Link...we have somewhere to go, now..." Pichu said.

"Not unless my beloved comes with me!" Link hugged one of the table's legs.

"Just bring the table with you. Come on," said Luigi.

The Smashers began walking back up the stairs to the living room.

"Come, my darling!" Link picked up the table and skipped up the stairs.

Sheesh...5 minutes later, they arrived in the living room of the mansion. Samus was there, along with Jigglypuff, Marth, and Roy. Samus, Marth, and Roy were playing Blackjack.

"What were you guys doing down there?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Well, Luigi made a love potion, and he used it on Link," said Peach. "Unfortunately…"

"He didn't fall in love with a human," said Luigi regrettably.

Jigglypuff shifted her sights to Link, who was stroking the table with one finger.

"This was truly meant to be...I love you so much..."

Jigglypuff started laughing.

"Jigglypuff, this is serious!" Yoshi said. "Zelda will-"

Jigglypuff started laughing harder.

"Um..." Peach stated.

Jigglypuff was dying with laughter.

"...Are you _done_?" Luigi said.

"What? Push?" Marth yelled.

"Stop being a sore equal. We both had 21..." said Samus.

"Who ties with someone at 21?"

"You, apparently," said Roy.

"You sadistic, sarcastic bastard..."

"Let's go, Samus." Roy took Marth's seat.

Samus dealt Roy a face-up 10 of spades and a facedown 5 of clubs. She got a face-up 8 of hearts and a face-down King of diamonds.

Jigglypuff wiped a tear. "Did you hear?"

"No. What happened? Hit me."

Roy received a 7 of spades.

"Shit. I'm busted…"

"Well, boys, I win again." Samus smiled and took the $80 on the table.

"If you weren't so hot, I'd hate you..." Roy muttered.

"Look at Link!" Jigglypuff said.

Samus, Marth, and Roy observed Link singing to the table.

"He fell in love with that table!" Jigglypuff added.

Marth and Roy broke out in laughter, while Samus only chuckled.

"You can laugh, but what about Zelda? She'll be heartbroken..." Peach pointed out.

"And pissed to the highest power. Let's not forget that," added Samus.

Marth and Roy realized something…

"...She's mine! No way! She's _mine_! I'm gonna get her first! No you won't! Watch me!" They both ran upstairs to formulate plans.

"You're lucky she's fighting now...Luigi," Samus said, counting her money.

"I need to stop this..." said Luigi.

"Don't worry about it!" Mario said, being the eternally optimistic one. "I'm sure everything will turn out just-"

The front door creaked open, and Zelda, Young Link, Fox, and Captain Falcon entered.

"...Okay, Luigi! You run, and I'll shock her as much as I can!" Pichu said, jumping in front of Luigi.

Zelda stared. "...What did you do?"

"Yeah! What's going on?" asked Y. Link for the hell of it.

Luigi smacked Pichu in the back of the head.

"It's not about what _I_ did...it's about...okay, it is about what I did. You see-"

"He made Link drink his potion, and now he don't love you no more!" Ness yelled from the basement.

"I forgot he was down there..." Peach said.

"Uh...Marth-wants-you-you-should-take-him?" said Luigi.

Zelda reddened. "WHAT THE (beep)?"

I think about 5 birds died just now...

_You know the drill. 5 or more reviews equals an update within a day. I would respond to the readers, but since I want this to not be deleted again…hey, don't blame me._

_See you whenever._


	3. Ganondorf Finds Out

_I have more than enough reviews for an update. So…_

When we left the Smashers, Zelda had discovered Luigi's experiment, thanks to Ness. Stupid little kid...he was good in the first one, now he's just a little bit- oh! Um...what will Zelda do now? What will happen to Luigi? When am I getting my pizza? Read on, my demons!

...I'll stop now.

"What do you mean he doesn't love me anymore?" Zelda said angrily, advancing on Luigi.

"Well...princess...you see, the thing is-" A very nervous Luigi was cut off.

"He forced him to drink the potion!" Ness yelled from the basement.

"_Why_ did you force him to drink the potion?" Zelda said angrily, still advancing on Luigi.

Luigi was sweating. "Um, heh...well..."

"We wanted him to!" Ness yelled.

"And you _pleasured_ them?" Zelda said angrily, almost right in front of Luigi.

Luigi was sweating bullets. "Listen...uh...I..."

"It was funny!" Ness yelled.

"NESS, SHUT THE (beep) UP!"

"I'll take care of this." Peach took out a billiard stick and stomped downstairs. "Hey!"

Ness screamed like a girl.

"Didn't I say to shut up? Huh?"

"I didn't mean it! I'm a kid! Kids do that! SPARE ME!"

The sound of wood impacting flesh could be heard. All of the Smashers groan...except Link, who is now speaking dirty things to the table, and asking questions like "Where do I put it at, baby?". Sad...yet amusing.

"...I hope you have a way of making my Link love me again! You're a dead man if you don't!" Zelda said. Duh.

"Making...I got it!" Luigi exclaimed.

"What?" every sane person said.

"If I can't make an antidote that cures him, why not override the effect and give him the same potion again?"

"Is that really a good idea?" asked Samus.

"...It sounded nice..."

"What if he ends up loving both? That could happen...and that'll really screw up his brain. He might die."

"You have crushed my self-esteem, oh, so deeply..." Luigi looked at the floor.

"That's what I do."

"Linky-pie, don't you remember me at all?" asked Zelda sweetly.

"...Linky-pie?" everyone said.

"Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I'm conversing with my wife-to-be. We'll be so happy together, I know it!"

"_WIFE-TO-BE? He really dropped the ball there...I know,_" Zelda thought. She held her bosoms and said with the sweetest possible voice…which wasn't all that sweet because she was totally pissed…

"You mean you don't remember these at all? All the times we made sweet love to each other?"

"Oh, really?" every sane person said.

"Too much info…" said Marth.

"Yeah…" Roy agreed with a sigh. "They did it more than once?"

"They _did_ it?"

"He doesn't remember those beautiful bosoms?"

"Small, but so, so sweet!" the two said together.

"Shut up..." Zelda said with her fist trembling.

"I've found a new love! My old life was a mistake, but my gorgeous table has made it so much better!" Link said, hugging the table.

"_He never called me gorgeous..._"

Roy approached Zelda. "That's why I'm here."

"Get back…" Zelda responded angrily.

Enter Ganondorf! This'll be good...

"I feel like I'm missing something I can use to my advantage. What's going on?"

Ness yelled weakly. "Luigi made-"

Peach was still downstairs. "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRAT!"

More hitting, more groaning…

"What's going on with elf-boy over there?" asked Ganondorf.

"He's in love with that table..." Zelda said disappointingly.

Ganondorf waited a little while before busting out in laughter. Jigglypuff did the same.

"Not this shit again…" DK said.

"Wait! I can take advantage of this! Duh!" Ganondorf snatched the table with a "Yoink!".

"No! Give her back! Return my love!" Link whined.

"Shut up...slave." Ganondorf laughed sinisterly. Everyone gasped. Shortly after that, Luigi started to laugh, and was slapped by Zelda…with a little touch of electricity.

Ouch...

_Well, the evil bastard Ganondorf has finally taken advantage of the situation at hand. Link is now his slave. (stifled laughter) What evils will Link have to carry out? Find out in Chapter 4!_

Of course, 5 reviews equals an update within a day…normally. I won't be at my house most of the weekend, so I don't know when my next update will be. Sorry, readers…


	4. The First Assignment

_You guys sure like this story. Here. Enjoy._

When we left the Smashers, Ganondorf had used his almighty forces of evil to hold Link's table- I mean, the love of Link's life, hostage. Actually, the only forces Ganondorf used were in his right arm…whatever. Anyway, what horrors will our victim- I mean, Hero of Time, endure to get his table- I mean- dammit! Forget it! Just read…

"You ready, elf-boy?"

Link, Ganondorf, Zelda, Luigi, Peach, DK, Pichu, Mario, Yoshi, Marth, Roy, Samus, and…yeah…had made it to McDonald's. Yep. Oh, the table was there too.

"What do I have to do?"

Link was wearing a bunny outfit with hearts and flowers decorated on the fur.

"I want you to get me a Number 1, Super Sized, with a Coke, 3 chocolatey chip cookies, and some ice cream, also chocolate. Don't forget the napkins. And if you dare spill anything…" Ganondorf pulled out a lighter and a bottle of vodka. "The table gets it. Got it?"

Everyone stared at Ganondorf. I mean everyone.

"…One question. Um-"

"One question, what?" Ganondorf interrupted, still holding the lighter and drinking the vodka.

"One question, _Lord of All That is Bad and Unjust and Wrong, sir…_"

Ganondorf chuckled.

"Why am I wearing this?" Link observed his overly cute outfit.

"It makes you look like more of a wimp."

"And it's funny, too," added Marth.

"Please, can we just get on with this? It smells like food in here," whispered Peach.

Everyone stared at Peach. I mean everyone.

"Okay, go, slave!" Ganondorf kicked the human bunny towards the counter. The guy behind the counter just looked without saying a word.

"Can I get…uh…a Super Sized Number 1 with a Coke, 3 chocolatey chip-er, _chocolate_ chip cookies, and…I guess a medium sized chocolate ice cream. And napkins."

The guy behind the counter said nothing.

"Hello?"

The guy behind the counter said nothing.

"Did you get that, mister?"

The guy behind the counter busted out in laughter.

"And there he goes…" Link said with a sigh.

The guy behind the counter was literally rolling with laughter.

"…"

9 minutes later…

The guy behind the counter regained his composure.

"Okay, I got that. And is that for here or to go?" he asked, holding his hysterics.

"To go…"

"Right. That's…like…20-something dollars. I just started yesterday. What the _hell_ are you wearing?"

"I DID THIS FOR MY LOVE!"

The Smashers groaned.

"He was normal for a little while…" Luigi said, shaking his head. Link ran over to Ganondorf very quickly. (That's a surprise…)

"This man-beast here has kidnapped my one true love! And now…I must wear this and do things no man should ever be forced to do…TO WIN HER BACK AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"

Several customers threw up and left at the thought of what Link would be forced to do with/to Ganondorf. About 3 people cheered. 1 clapped. 5 jeered. The other 14 started hitting Ganondorf with things: Big Macs, Chicken McNuggets, large Sprites, Fancy Ketchup packets, chairs that weren't nailed down, those stupid paintings that are always hanging around…straws…plants…you get the picture. The Smashers just watched, saying nothing.

"Does it hurt?" Pichu asked when the barrage ended.

"I'm cold…" was Ganondorf's weak response.

3 minutes later…

"Mr. Bunny Rabbit sir, your order."

Link went back to the counter and picked up two medium-sized brown bags.

"I just want to say…" The guy behind the counter started to cry. "You are a brave man…brave and noble…the world needs more people like you!" He gave Link a teary-eyed hug. Link reluctantly hugged him back, wondering if the table would think he was cheating on her.

"How are you paying for that? You didn't bring your money," said Samus.

"Yep…go!"

Ganondorf bolted out the door, with the rest of the group following close behind, and eventually passing him. Except Link, who was trying his hardest to keep up with the group without spilling anything.

10 seconds after that, the guy behind the counter was fired.

30 seconds after that, the Smashers heard a distant explosion. Yep…

_That's all for now. If that was too short…sorry. Because I will be leaving yet again for a few days…10 reviews will equal an update by Sunday._


	5. The Second Assignment

_Surprise!_

When we left the Smashers, they had run out on the payment of a McDonald's meal Link was forced to order by Ganondorf. Luckily, that guy behind the counter was unstable, and when he was fired, he blew up the restaurant. Now Link was awaiting the second assignment…and some fries. The latter was denied. Yep. How much torture would Link have to go through next? Let's find out together…seriously, I'm making this up as I go…

"Pleeeease? If I can't have my true love, can I have some fries?"

The group stared at Link, pleading to Ganondorf with that girly bunny outfit with all those hearts and flowers. Everyone agreed. He looked irrefutably cute.

And Ganondorf hated cute.

"…No," he said, throwing an ice cube at him. "Guys, I'm almost done."

"Good, because this is boring," said Samus.

The group was in a park, sitting on a double-sided bench.

"How the hell do I reverse this thing?" wondered Luigi as he stole some fries without Ganondorf noticing.

"Wait a minute…am I the only one who just realized that Luigi's here?" said Zelda.

Chirping birds were her reply.

"GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE MANSION!" she shouted, almost making Ganondorf choke…and causing a bird to fall on Yoshi's nose, motionless.

"But it's peaceful out here…and I need an idea for the antidote before I start making it," Luigi retorted.

"I thought you were just observing his behavioral patterns and gathering data in your mind to create the antidote," said Mario.

"…Oh yeah! That too!" Luigi said with a slight nervous snigger. "Yeah."

Mario looked at his brother, shaking his head.

3 minutes passed.

"Okay, lackey…" Ganondorf began, putting all of his garbage under the bench. "Your next assignment is as follows." He started whispering in Link's ear. Link's bunny ear.

"Wrong ear," Link said.

"Oh. Right. Shut up!" Ganondorf yelled, trying to regain pre-eminence. He whispered in _Link's _ear as Link made many different facial expressions; disgust, surprise, amusement…well, that's pretty much it.

"Wonder where we have to go now?" whispered Roy to Marth.

"I bet it's gonna be someplace exciting," whispered Yoshi to Marth, throwing the bird into a small nearby lake.

"I hope this doesn't end anytime soon," whispered DK to Yoshi.

"What are we whispering for?" whispered Pichu to the four.

30 minutes later…

"Well, we made it," said Ganondorf triumphantly. Link sighed, Pichu gazed in awe, and the rest just stared without a hint of enthusiasm.

They were at a filming of Barney and Friends.

"You can't be serious," said Peach.

"That's right. My little slave here is going to ki-"

"This is SO COOL!" Pichu cheered, jumping around with joy and ranting about how cool Barney was. Please.

"…So, how is Link gonna kill someone that doesn't exist?" asked Marth, somewhat curious.

"Oh no…Barney's real…" Link said, sitting on his true love. Everybody except for Ganondorf and Pichu (who already knew) focused their attention on Link.

"How do you know? You're in love with a (beep)ing table, for crying out loud," said Roy.

"Not just any table, my red-headed clueless friend! The table that has opened my eyes to-"

"Magic exists, retards. Love and friendship combined creates a very powerful, icky magic that even I can't overcome. I can't believe I just said that…" Ganondorf informed.

"Yeah! Duh!" said Pichu.

"Which is why he needs to die a horrible, _physical_ death," added Ganondorf.

Suddenly, everyone except for Ganondorf, Link, and Pichu raised their hands.

"We'll do it!" they all said with spirit.

"No. It'll be a much more satisfying death if a bunny rabbit kills him," Ganondorf said.

"Aww…" the eager killers said, spirit dying.

"Excuse me, guys? Who let you in?" a man carrying a clipboard asked.

The Smashers said nothing.

"Look, if you guys don't have permission to be here, I'm gonna have to throw you out."

The Smashers said nothing.

"…Alright." The man walked over to DK and tried to pick him up. But of course it was no use.

Then he tried to pick up Zelda. But he got slapped.

Then he tried to pick up Luigi. But he got his hand burned.

Then he tried to pick up Pichu. But he got electrocuted.

"Oh, (beep) it."

The man stomped off, grumbling.

"Okay, places everybody!" a voice said.

"That means you, Link," said Ganondorf. Link brandished his Master Sword and got ready. 6 child actors walked onto the set, 3 boys and 3 girls.

"The kids know about this magic?" asked Peach.

Ganondorf nodded.

"Do they possess it?" asked Peach.

Ganondorf shook his head.

"They're just very, very good," he said.

8 minutes into the taping…

"What the hell's taking them so long?" wondered an impatient Ganondorf.

Link couldn't take it anymore.

"It's time for your death, plush monster!" He rushed onto the set (inside the school). The kids gasped, then said "Aww…".

"Look at the cute bunny!" one of the girls said. Another girl approached the angry, love-driven bunny warrior.

"Maybe Barney knows who it is! It's so cute…" she said, about to pet it.

_Only for you…my love…_

Link screamed, dropped his weapon like he was holding it by accident, and cracked the girl's neck.

"Why is this rabbit so angry?" wondered a boy.

"Barney…we need answers!" another boy said.

Barney was brought to life without that song I forgot the lyrics to.

"Hi, everybody!" Barney said joyously.

"Barney!" all the remaining kids and Pichu said.

"Well kids, who is this?" Barney asked, pointing to Link, who was approaching him slowly.

"We don't know! We were hoping you could tell us, Barney!" one of the girls said.

"He looks kinda upset. He hugged Libby too hard. So hard she fell asleep!" one of the boys said.

The Smashers groaned.

"These kids are so damn dumb…" said DK.

"Well kids, gather around, and-"

Crack!

"Barney, he did it again!" a girl said.

"I'm scared…" a boy said.

"Wimp!" the remaining boy said.

"I am not!"

"Am too!"

"Am not!"

"Prove it, bitch!"

"Bring it on, punk mother(beep)!"

The two boys started fighting.

"Oh, my! Such exciting words!" Barney said.

"You…" Link said to Barney.

"Well, what do you want with me?"

"You must DIE!"

Link leaped at Barney, punched him in the stomach, and began choking him from behind. The remaining children (and Pichu) gasped.

"Barney…what is 'die'?" one of the girls asked, starting to cry.

"CUT!"

"Wow, they're _just_ cutting?" said Marth.

The two boys stopped fighting, and all 4 of them left.

"Wait, kids- ack!" Barney tried to speak, but he was still getting choked. A man in a suit walked onto the set. He observed the dead kids, and then observed the bunny choking Barney.

"…Sir, if you want to audition to be the next animal, you have to be prehistoric. Get it? A dinosaur?"

Link said nothing and continued choking Barney.

"Sir?"

Link said nothing and continued choking Barney.

"Whatever. Just make sure you have a proper costume next time. Okay?"

A tearing sound was heard.

"Good. Okay, places people!" The man walked away, and Barney's head was ripped off. Pichu gasped in horror, while Link screamed and the Smashers cheered.

"Mission complete, slave! Your next mission awaits…" Ganondorf said.

Link screamed, standing on top of Barney, holding his head up. The Smashers ran away.

_My love…we will be reunited… _

Link ran away, leaving Barney's head behind.

_That was good…Minimum amount of reviews required for update: 7. Yeah, weird number for a weird guy…_


	6. The Third Assignment

_Yay…_

When we left the Smashers, Barney had been killed by the angry, love-driven, and now, impatient, bunny warrior, Link. Without getting in trouble! Now…what would Ganondorf's next assignment be? And how long would this go on before the rest couldn't take it anymore? Read and find out…

"How much longer before my love and I are reunited?" Link asked, a bit exhausted and stressed out. And impatient.

"Ah, that's it. Catch!" Ganondorf threw the table at Link, who almost caught it.

The group was at the top of a skyscraper.

"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Are you okay? Do you need buffing? Oh, I missed you so much…" Link continued to comfort his true love.

"Wait, wait, wait. Why the _hell_ did you take us to the top of a skyscraper?" asked Marth.

"Was there a point?" asked Samus.

"Yeah. The view is pretty…" Ganondorf said shortly before getting knocked out by Zelda.

"Link!" she called out.

Link was kissing his table all over.

"Hey!" she called out, smacking Link in the back of the head.

"Oh, sorry. Yes? Are you happy for me? I got my true-"

"Like hell I am!" Zelda yelled. The Smashers sighed.

"Luigi, you better do something before Link gets seriously hurt," said Pichu.

"Just do something. That'd be nice," DK said.

"You mean something about Link, right?" Luigi asked.

The Smashers said nothing.

"Don't be slick," said Peach.

"Okay, okay, I'll head back to the lab and see if I have anything that'll help me," Luigi sighed.

"Good. Zelda! We're leaving," said Yoshi.

Zelda ceased kicking Link's table and quickly joined the others to the elevator. Link picked up his true love and did the same.

Back at the mansion…

The Smashers had just made it through the front door. Captain Falcon greeted them at the door.

"…" He broke out in hysterics.

"Shut up," Luigi said, fed up.

2 minutes later, Falcon stopped laughing.

"Why the (beep) is he dressed like a bunny?"

Link just remembered the outfit, and immediately ripped it apart. Eventually.

"Come on, guys. We have an antidote-" Luigi was interrupted.

"Where did 'we' come from? This is _your_ ass on the line, not ours," said Samus.

"Wait. What'd he do that was so bad?" Falcon asked, curious.

"See the table? See Link stroking and wanting to marry the table?" asked Pichu.

"…" Falcon broke out in hysterics.

"They're back? Hey! You guys! Get me down!" Ness yelled from the basement.

"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled, except Falcon, who was still laughing.

"Time to go to work. Link, let's go. You'll be back to normal in no time," said Luigi, walking downstairs. Link followed reluctantly, table in hand.

_Don't worry, baby. We'll be together in the e- _

"Yoink!" Link's thoughts were cut short because Ganondorf had mysteriously and nonsensically came back and snatched Link's table. Again. But when he tried to run away, he realized that he was frozen in place.

"Hey! What the- oh, that's not fair!"

"Hmm, wonder who did that?" Zelda said scathingly.

"_You wish for him to be returned to normal?_" a familiar voice boomed.

"For a psychic Pokemon, you ask the most obvious questions," said Mario.

"_Watch it._" Mewtwo appeared in front of the group out of nowhere. "_Or I will not help this victim recover._"

"You bastard!" Ganondorf yelled out through closed lips.

"How can you do that?" asked Falcon.

"_I am the most powerful mind in the world. I have the ability to brainwash anyone with a lesser mind than mine. That means I can brainwash most._"

"So, you're going to brainwash what could be considered a brainwashed person? That's actually pretty smart…" admitted Samus.

"_What did you expect?_"

"Look, what do we have to do in order to get him to love me again?" Peach said.

Everyone looked at Peach.

"Wrong person," said Zelda.

"Oh! Right. Sorry," Peach said, giggling nervously and blushing.

"What do you want from us?" asked DK.

"_I request only groceries._"

The group stared in shock.

"…Groceries..?" they all said.

A shopping list floated in the room from the kitchen.

"_Here is the list. When all of these items are obtained and secured in perfect condition, you will have your boyfriend returned to you, Zelda._"

The group sighed.

"Great. More shopping," complained Roy.

"Like we haven't been through enough going shopping already," said Luigi, rejoining the group. Pichu and Marth read the list. Mewtwo teleported somewhere.

"What about Ganondorf?" asked Yoshi.

"Oh. That's easy," said Peach. She walked up to Ganondorf and pushed him down the stairs to the basement. Ganondorf…kinda screamed. He kinda said 'ow!' when he landed.

"Link, are you coming too?" asked Roy.

"As long as I can be w-"

"Come _on_, Link," Zelda said as the group (including Falcon) went back outside. As Link followed them, he whispered to the table:

"I think she's jealous."

So…now the Smashers have been given a new assignment by a not-evil-yet-not-nice new helper. Shopping. The final frontier. What horrors and perils would await them at the grocery store? Stay tuned and find out.

_I still feel good about this one. And I was soooooooo close to ending the story on this chapter. But I was thinking about you, the fan, and discovered that would just be (beep)in' retarded, not to mention anti-climactic. But I'll be surprised if this story survives past Chapter 8…_

_Reviews required for update: between 6 and 10._


	7. SUPER!

_Well…that didn't take too long._

When we left the Smashers, the evil bastard Ganondorf had lost his grip on the table and lost control of Link. Now, in a desperate attempt to set things straight, the group (plus Falcon) enlisted the services of Mewtwo, but at the cost of going grocery shopping. That's rough…something bad always happened to the Smashers when they went shopping, for some reason…What'll become of them this time? Read to find out…

The group was driving to the supermarket in an unusually cramped blue car. Well, there were 12 people, plus Link's true love.

"Whose car is this again?" asked Pichu, trying to get some room.

"I wish I knew…" Zelda, the driver, said. "Master Hand needs to get us a bus or something."

"Okay, so we need 2 gallons of milk, 2 gallons of juice, 4 pounds of chicken, 1 container of bologna, a lobster, 60 jumbo shrimp, a bottle of water, 3 packs of cake mix, a pack of sugar…" Roy stopped to catch his breath, which was hard in that cramped space.

A minute later, Roy continued.

"A pack of 24 pudding cups, a large diet cola…and a small can of Plutox?"

"That stuff can't fit in this thing with all of us inside," Samus said, head to the window.

"We really eat a lot…" Yoshi mused.

"If we weren't famous, this would cost a fortune. Lucky us," Peach said, sitting in the front beside Zelda.

"What the hell is Plutox?" Falcon said, muffled. No one knew where was. Probably buried.

"Hey! I was gonna say that first!" Pichu whined.

"Everybody shut up!" Zelda yelled.

"…There weren't-" Mario was interrupted.

"We need all the air we can get…since the windows don't work," Zelda said.

10 air-restricted minutes later…

The group finally made it to the SUPER Supermarket, a supermarket with a lot of stuff. Like Pathmark. (I don't own Pathmark, thank goodness…) They were all at the front of the mart, preparing for the shop.

"Okay, here's how this will be executed. Yoshi, Pichu, and Peach will take a cart and get the shrimp and the beverages. Falcon, Luigi, Mario, and Marth, you will retrieve the cake mix and the pudding cups. Samus…Link, DK, Roy, and I will secure the remaining items. Understood?" Zelda informed the group.

Everyone just stared at her.

"…What is this, a war?" said DK.

Zelda chuckled nervously. "Let's get this over with. Go! Go! Go!" The group separated into the different parties, grabbed carts, and spread out into hell…I mean, the supermarket.

3 minutes later…

Yoshi, Pichu, and Peach were in the seafood aisle, looking for packs of jumbo shrimp. They asked the man behind the seafood counter.

"Excuse me," Peach said. "Do you have any jumbo shrimp?"

The man, who looked like a middle-aged Japanese man, said nothing.

"Um, hello?" Yoshi said, approaching the man.

He suddenly made a karate yell, quickly jumped over the counter, and with lightning speed, kicked Pichu into a tower of cans of peas.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" said Yoshi. Peach rushed over to comfort Pichu, while the man flipped back behind the counter.

"My apologies…I didn't know he was with you," the man politely said.

"You actually think we wouldn't notice a rodent with a head that big?"

The man behind the counter bowed, and Yoshi smacked him in the back of the head.

"Can we get 60 jumbo shrimp please? It's kinda urgent," said Yoshi.

The man pulled out a large blue bag. It smelled of shrimp and was covered in frost. Yoshi took it.

"Thanks. Come on, let's g-"

Yoshi was interrupted by another karate yell. Pichu got hit by a turkey leg.

"Ow! What did I do?" Pichu yelled, crying and holding his eye.

"I don't trust him," the man told Yoshi.

Yoshi looked at him like he was a bad comedian.

"…Yeah, this place sucks. Let's keep going, guys," Yoshi said, walking away. Peach followed and Pichu staggered behind. There was another karate yell, and the three ran away.

Meanwhile…

"Oh, crap! We forgot the lobster!" Yoshi yelled.

Too bad. Meanwhile…

Falcon, Luigi, Mario, and Marth were in the snacks aisle, searching for pudding cups. Right now they were in the subsidiary of the snacks aisle, the cereal aisle.

"Damn…so many colors…" Falcon said, looking at all the different boxes.

"The pudding cups are over here…somewhere," said Marth, moving several cereal boxes.

"I'm telling you, cereal shouldn't be considered a snack. It should be in the breakfast aisle," Luigi said to Mario.

"They only have warm foods in that aisle. So they put them here. Besides, most cereals are sugary, so they're not as nutritious as everyone thinks," Mario responded.

Luigi's attention was somewhere else. He tapped Mario on the shoulder. Right in front of them, they could see the Trix Rabbit shopping for…Trix.

"What, are you kidding me?" said Marth.

"Ooh, the Smashers! I play as you all the time!" the rabbit said, pointing at Marth.

"Oh…thanks…" Marth said.

"You finally decided to just buy it?" Falcon said.

"Well, I couldn't before because the commercials only pay me .2 cents a second. That's why I've been pushing for a movie, but so far, it's not going that well. Besides, it's been about 2 decades since I last tasted this…this…Lemony-"

"Don't start. This isn't a commercial," said Falcon.

The group could hear guns cocking, and the Trix Rabbit was shot in his leg. He screamed in pain as he fell to the floor and 4 cartoon children popped out of the right shelf, all holding rifles.

"You dumbass rabbit!" one of the two girls said.

"We tried to be nice. We figured just _taking _the cereal from you would be enough!" one of the two boys yelled. The Trix Rabbit sobbed as he lay on the floor.

"I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it! I JUST WANTED SOME DAMN CEREAL!"

"Shut up!" the kids yelled. "TRIX ARE FOR KIDS!" They gunned down the Trix Rabbit. The Smashers just stared, not saying anything.

"…Uh…hey, I found the pudding," Marth said, grabbing a case of 24 pudding cups. He threw it in the cart and the group quickly ran away.

Meanwhile…

Zelda, Samus, DK, Roy, and Link were getting bologna and chicken.

"You hear those gunshots?" asked Roy.

"Yeah. Wonder who (beep)ed up this time?" said Samus.

"Let's just keep shopping. We need Link healed," said Zelda.

"No. _You_ do," corrected DK.

"Shut up," Zelda coldly responded.

"Ooh, so harsh," another voice said. The group (except Link) turned around and saw a teen holding a Glacier GBA.

"You again?" said Samus.

"What are you doing here, AJ?" asked Zelda.

"The same thing I did in M-I-X. Control. And eat pizza," AJ responded, eating a slice of pizza that came out of nowhere.

"Yeah…sure…" said Roy.

AJ walked over to Link and sighed.

"If this wasn't so funny…or my fault…I'd feel sorry for you."

"Have you met my future wife?" asked Link.

"…Duh. Anyway, allow me to tell you how this is all resolved." AJ walked over to Zelda and whispered something in her ear. After that, Zelda glared at AJ.

"I hate you…" she said.

"Well, I shall leave you to your shopping. So long, fools!" AJ's GBA made a bright flash of light. When the others could see again, AJ was gone.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" said Roy. Zelda groaned.

"That moron said-"

Meanwhile…

Peach and Yoshi were coming back from that Japanese man with a lobster. They put it in the cart Pichu was lying in.

"Finally," Pichu said, looking at the ceiling.

"The drinks are over there. Everything else we need to get should be there as well," said Peach.

The three walked over to the drinks aisle, where there were many drinks, and some people doing a Pepsi commercial that they didn't pay much attention to. They were able to get the 2 gallons of milk, the 2 gallons of juice (they chose fruit punch, cause _everybody_ drinks fruit punch), the bottle of water (which Peach had added to the list, cause she was thirsty), and the large diet soda. When they were about to head to the front, one of the guys doing the commercial called them.

"You guys wanna be in the commercial? We'll pay you 50 bucks! We're always looking for famous people to put in our commercials! Take a look! Lick my feet!"

"What was that last part?" Pichu said, looking disgusted.

"…Take a look!"

The three saw 3 two-dimensional simple white blobs with long, black stick legs and shoes.

"I don't know them," said Peach.

"We got them off the Internet!" the guy exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's great! Bye!" Yoshi said. The three were already at the end of the aisle.

Meanwhile…

Mario, Luigi, and Marth were panting and standing next to cake mix.

"That was crazy…" Marth said, out of breath.

"Get the…get the cake mix…" Luigi said, also out of breath.

Falcon grabbed the cake mix quickly and put it in the cart.

"You guys should consider Spandex," he said, full of life and smug. Mario collapsed on the cart.

"Shut up…" said Marth.

Meanwhile…

Zelda, Link, Samus, Roy, and DK were walking down the takeover aisle. Basically, it was the aisle for all of a villain's needs. This was where the Plutox may have been.

"Any reason there are dimmed lights, you think?" asked Roy as they walked through the dim-lit aisle.

"Not an important one…okay, let's see…oh, here it is. Plutox: Plutonium in a Can," Zelda said, picking up the small can.

"Hey, look at that egg-belly!" DK taunted. Everyone focused his or her attention on a tall, bald, mustachioed man with an unusually round midsection. He scoffed, picked up a pack of 26 AA batteries, and walked off in a huff.

"Are we done? I want to go and be alone with my love!" said Link, lying on his table.

"Yes, Link," Zelda said, growling.

15 minutes later…

The whole group was now outside the SUPER Supermarket…trying to find out how to get home since their car had disappeared.

"So what the hell do we do now?" said Roy.

An ambulance pulled up, and two men with a stretcher ran in.

"Somebody actually called," said Luigi.

"Why does a cartoon creature need an ambulance?" wondered Samus.

"Don't think about it too much…" said Peach.

The ambulance beeped.

"Hey, did that thing just beep at us?" said Pichu.

"No…Zelda's in there," said Marth.

"Hurry up!" said Zelda, beeping again.

A karate yell was heard from inside. Pichu screamed and immediately ran in the back of the ambulance. The rest soon followed, and when everybody and everything was in, Zelda sped off. The men with the stretcher came out, carrying a body covered in a white cloth. When they noticed their ambulance was gone, they dropped it and walked away. As they walked away, the 4 children were being arrested.

So…it's all winding down…can the Smashers make it back in one piece? Can Link be rid of his forced, foolish infatuation? Only AJ, Zelda, DK, Samus, and Roy knew for sure…

_It's confirmed. The next chapter will be the last. 10 reviews will equal the conclusion to this story._

_A free chimp to anyone who knows who the three blobs are._


	8. Mission Complete?

_9 are close enough._

_Oh. Quarma got the chimp..._

When we left the Smashers, the group of Link, Zelda, Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, Marth, Roy, DK, Pichu, Samus, and a table were speeding back to the mansion in a stolen ambulance. Actually, Zelda was speeding, and everyone that wasn't Link was begging her to slow down.

"Zelda, what's your problem? You're going to mess up the food!" exclaimed Peach.

"I don't care! I hated this experience! I want my Link back! And nothing is going to stop me now that I have everything Mewtwo needs!" responded Zelda.

"Um, Zelda…we're slowing down…" said Falcon.

Zelda checked the gas. It was depleting at a rapid and unfair rate.

"Damn! No!" Zelda cried, banging the steering wheel as the ambulance stopped in the middle of an intersection.

"This isn't right. What do we do now?" asked Roy, ignoring the furious beeping, gunshots and window-breaking around him.

10 minutes later, the Smashers were in the back of a bus, headed home. Everyone on the bus (which was only 6 people) stared at the elf-like man making out with a wooden table. They just stared. No humor. Just pity.

"There's nothing to see. Mind your business," said Samus.

"Yeah, that's a lie. This is truly something to see," a middle-aged man said, taking out a digital camera. That exploded 3 seconds afterwards. "Aww…I _just_ found that…"

"Shut up," Zelda said coldly.

"I can't believe there's a bus that goes to the mansion. I feel so dumb…" said Mario.

"This is a tour bus, which would explain the apathy of the driver and the lack of riders," said Marth.

"Yeah. The city sucks," said DK.

"Let's just focus on getting home," said Luigi.

"We need to focus on a bus ride?" asked Pichu. Luigi had no response.

"Link, cut that out!" exclaimed Zelda. Link focused one eye on her and kept the other closed.

"Don't be so jealous." Link resumed making out with the table. Zelda sighed.

"It's only for a little while longer," Pichu said, patting Zelda's back.

2:12 hours later

"Okay, we're here! Wake up everybody!" Pichu yelled. Everybody woke up, yawned, and ignored the fact that Link was only wearing his underwear. The bus was in front of the mansion, stopped. Everyone was gone. Including the driver.

"Okay. We gotta bring this stuff to Mewtwo, and then all of this craziness will be over," said Yoshi.

A faint karate yell was heard. Pichu's eyes narrowed.

"I gotta go!" Pichu sped out the bus (through a closed window) and ran inside. Everyone else shrugged and walked in the mansion. Link did not get dressed, and as soon as he stepped outside, that Japanese guy kicked him in his head.

Inside the Mansion's Kitchen

"Okay Mewtwo. We got your stuff. Now will you _please_ fix Link so I don't have to be around these people anymore?" said Samus.

"_Why is he not fully clothed?_" asked Mewtwo.

"We don't need anymore disturbing shit right now," said DK.

"Just change him back…" Luigi said with a sigh. "I gotta do much better next time." Zelda slapped him in the back of the head.

"_Never_ do that again."

Luigi nodded timidly.

"_First, you must put the table back in its rightful place._"

Luigi quickly grabbed the table and ran to his lab with it. The group could hear a thud, glass shattering, and a curse.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BRING HER BACK TO ME!" Link yelled, about to rush to retrieve his love.

"_SIT!_"

Link immediately stopped running and sat in one of the chairs. "Yes," he said in a dull, monotone voice.

"_Put all of the things you bought away. By the time you are finished, your Link will be returned to normal._"

The group nodded and began putting the stuff away.

3 minutes later

"_I am done._"

"Did it really take you that long?" asked Pichu.

Mewtwo teleported somewhere, and Link came out of his zombie-like trance.

"What am I doing here? Where'd my clothes go?" Link looked out the kitchen window. "When did we get a bus?"

Zelda stared at Link lovingly. The rest either stared or made a sigh of relief and left.

"Can somebody tell me something? Or at least give me my clothes back?"

Zelda ran over to Link and kissed him.

30 seconds later

"Wow…" Link said, a bit surprised. "I don't care anymore."

Zelda took Link's hand and was about to run upstairs when AJ suddenly reappeared in a flash of light-blue…light.

"What do you want now?" asked Link, remembering who he was.

"I told you what would happen, Zelda. I totally have to do the countdown."

Zelda sighed in frustration. "How do you know I'm going to care?"

"It's an ending. I don't care if you care or don't care. Whoa, confusing…now! 5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

AJ disappeared in another flash. As he left…

"WHAT THE (beep)? GET AWAY FROM ME!"

That scream belonged to Luigi. It was followed by Ness's laughing.

"Oh, great…" Zelda said.

Luigi busted the door open. Ganondorf was latched onto him. Smiling.

"What the..?" Link said, trying not to laugh.

"Holy (beep), it happened again!" Jigglypuff said out of nowhere, laughing her ass off.

"I LOVE YOU!" Ganondorf yelled. Luigi almost passed out from the smell of his breath.

"Help me…" Luigi said weakly.

"I think that's what he gets. I think…" Zelda said. Then she ran upstairs with Link. To do what, you ask? Well, I hope you didn't ask.

And that, my readers…is THE END.

"Wait!" Luigi yelled, trying to avoid Ganondorf's kisses of agony. "That's it? Aren't you gonna help-"

THE _END_.

_Well, that is my first completed story, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Let me know. Reviews are still accepted, of course._

_Thank you all for the feedback. See ya._


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